Tuesday I was asked if I felt like therapy was helping and if I or my therapist had an estimate on how long I would need to go. The job topic then came up again, and so did driving. “I don’t know” was my answer for a lot of it. Even if I spoke loud enough, I still received a “hm?”
Thus, most of my session on Tuesday was about time and what others are expecting therapy to do for me. Coping and recouping is not black and white. I explained how giving an approximate time (e.g. six months) would only disappoint them six months from now when I’m not in the state they expect. Asking if therapy is helping merely four sessions in (Tuesday was my fifth) and expecting a simply yes or no answer isn’t possible. If I say “yes”, progress is expected. If I say “no”, they may take it away. It’s such a loaded question with a personal answer. Just like that question, if the time doesn’t include progress they’d all like and they expect, they could take it away from me.
I endured [just about] sixteen years of abuse and then some. This entire blog is filled with posts about what it does to a person. And I’m sought to be one of the “good” ones! THE GOOD ONES! I’m a statistic, categorized into the group of abuse victims and survivors who made it out of an abusive lifestyle alive and not into drugs and/or prison. However, I’m also subcategorized into the group stemmed from the aforementioned category that suffers from severe trauma and major mental illnesses and disorders: PTSD, Major Depressive Disorder, anxiety, disassociation and psychosis.[1. I struggle with multiple personalities, or fragments, of myself. That’s disassociation. Psychosis is what happens when I cut and don’t even realize I have until afterward; it’s also been sought to be the cause of what happened when I was driving and about to kill myself last year.]
I talk about it so much online because it’s been the one place I could talk about it for the longest time. I still talk about it because talking about it once or twice a week for two hours at a time isn’t always enough. It’s never been enough for me. The last counselor I went to spent more time asking me why I wasn’t just super normal and wouldn’t move on than he actually helped. Plus, he was a guy. I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT! I want to talk about it to the people in my life so badly, but no one wants to listen.
No one wants to listen. No one. Everyone wants to worry about poor little Sarah in ways that they shouldn’t — SARAH DOESN’T EXIST ANYMORE. SHE DOESN’T EXIST. She doesn’t exist in the way that people think she does. She’s not in this body; I’m Liz. Probably Elizabeth. And I plan[2. Yes, plan.] to one day change my name legally so that I won’t have to have “Sarah” on legal documents anymore. Oh, how lovely that would be.
They worry about how “I, Sarah” am going to live life when I’m just “living in the past”. They don’t worry about how it makes me feel, how much they’re pressuring me, or how much they’re treating me the way I was treated as a kid: to keep quiet and just move on. They don’t let me share with them what happened, and they don’t make me feel like I can.
I’m done being shut up. My mom neglected me, and my stepfather abused me. I shouldn’t be buried down so low to the point that I feel ashamed for my life. This is my life, my story. I’m going to fucking share it. Eventually, I’ll share it offline. I do hope to get to an adequately stable state that allows me to do so.
In the end, no matter what amount of time I give to anyone, it wouldn’t necessarily please them. I can’t “get over” and “get past” sixteen years of my life in a flash.
Anyways, it’s officially Thursday. Yesterday was a very bad day for me.
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It is possible for mental illnesses to fade away – I’ve seen a friend of mine go from insane enough (with bipolar II) to be locked away to being a perfectly normal person. But it took a lot more than a few therapy sessions to fix all of that. There is no magic “cure”.
At some point, though, there will be a time when you will “move on”. But that’s not while Mary and Christopher are still back there! Finally, I hate to say this, but if you do ever plan on changing your name, it will be a LOT easier to do once you are seeing fewer doctors. My roommate changed her name at her naturalization and it was a nightmare of paperwork and confusion with banks and medical records and bills and whatnot. (Just figured that I should warn you even though I do want you to change your name.)
That dualistic approach is one of the major downsides of having a standardized protocol in these sessions. And people wonder why some folks would not want to rely on professionals even though their supposed neutrality serves to provide that insight. In reality, however, we realize that such approach is counter-intuitive and even harmful. Our comments, on the other hand, may not be the most professional of all the feedback. The good thing is that we [try to] respond in a more humanistic tone. It’s good to see you treating your blog as a safe haven for you to express your thoughts. You deserve that space. 🙂
@Agent Q, I’m confused about what you mean, or whether you understood me. 😡 My grandmother asked me the questions, and I get it family, too.
Ah, the strong one is emerging. Say, speak it, shout it, but let her have her say.
I’m proud of you for not backing down, even when under pressure to do so. Therapy takes time and it does mean you TALK ABOUT THE ABUSE. By talking, you’re letting it go and supporting your SELF.
However, there will always be people who want to sweep what happened under the rug and pretend it didn’t happen. So keep talking, writing and even sometimes yelling to remind people it did happen.
I love the new theme, especially the worm on the hook that drops down as I scroll down. That’s really cool, Liz:~)
I had this blog entry open for such a long time and was trying to put into words what I wanted to say. Hopefully it comes out the right way.
I am really sorry that you had such a bad day. I just want to say that (and it might not mean much) that I am really proud of you. I obviously do not understand how you are feeling and I think that it is so great that you want to be heard and not pushed down like you had been. It really annoys me that anyone would continue to treat you that way.
It is also so ridiculous that anyone could expect that in such a short time that therapy sessions could have such a major impact and suddenly you are this other person, the one that THEY want you to be, not to actually heal and be who you are. Eh.
Your entries are always filled with so much honesty, that I always feel so stupid with the comments I am writing, like I am failing to understand or sound like a douche. I just want you to know that I do care and hope that comes across. xD
I hate that some people think you can casually name a date when you will instantly be “over” everything. They are focusing more on what would be convenient for them rather than what is best for you.
Awe, I am willing to listen actually. My sister has a similar scenario when we were young.. She was abused by relatives and now, she’s deeply scarred! :c It’s heartbreaking to hear that people are abused every day and that it’s difficult to overcome it. T_T
But I do believe by talking about it with someone online or offline, it can be a good thing! (:
And Elizabeth is such a pretty name ^.^ I also love your new theme. It’s so pretty and calm. 😛
@Bubblez, Thanks, Bubblez! <3