Confessions of an asexual 20-something

Written by an alter within my dissociative identity disorder system.

Being the offspring of teen parents—mostly a teen mother­—is really hard. People treat you like you’re gonna go out and have lots and lots of unprotected sex, then someday have a child of your own born out of wedlock someday.

But…dude, hearing about how you should be “careful”, or whatever, whilst you’re an ace? That’s even harder.

I’m an asexual (“ace” for short). More specifically, I’m a grey-ace. It’s a great thing to mention in the event that I want to raise some eyebrows, but…eh, I don’t.

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1. I’m tired of being told I’m a “challenge” to flirt with.

2. When I tell a guy I’m asexual, they ask if I’m sure I’m not just a lesbian.

3. Porn has no value to me. I don’t understand how it’s so prominent in so many peoples’ lives.

4. The way my friend talks about sex and how much he wants the males of Shadowhunters reminds me of how I feel about cuddling with cats, dancing, and/or eating pizza rolls.

5. It’s hard to live in a world that revolves around coitus when you’re not sexually interested in people.

6. The most physical I want to get with people I like is cuddling and having really deep conversations about the different types of pizza-inspired dishes that could be made. Like, that totally does it for me, #js.

7. Shirtless pictures of guys I know make me lose attraction to them instantly.

8. I’m really great at saying so-and-so celebrity is attractive (I call them “lovely”), but the moment the conversation turns to sex, I fail completely.

9. I am often mistaken for a prude, and I’ve no idea how to explain how I’m not really a prude, I’m just…not totally understand the interest myself.

10. I once agreed that I was a lesbian with a guy who was hitting on me, just because I didn’t know how else to explain my asexuality. It was so easy, I started to consider using the label for myself permanently, but then I ran into an issue with an actual lesbian. Needless to say, she wasn’t too happy. Calling yourself a lesbian but not being a lesbian only makes you a tease.

11. Conversations about sex are always so awkward, because I’m constantly wondering when I should be like, “So…yeah…I’m…an asexual.”

12. Most of the time, I don’t know how to adequately explain asexuality to a person.

13. I still wonder if it’d be a bad thing to let people think I’m a lesbian, just because asexuality is hard to explain. People understand lesbianism; they don’t understand asexuality. But then…see #10.

14. As an asexual, I fear no guy will ever genuinely want to be with me without feeling like he’s missing out/settling.

15. I actually want kids…I want to adopt. The idea of personally experiencing pregnancy repulses me as much as having sex does.

16. When people tell me I might like sex if/when I finally have it, I start to feel like I really am broken/no one will ever understand me.

17. I really hate it when people say my abusive childhood has played a part in my asexuality. I pretended to be mega boy-crazy growing up/in grade school. That shit wasn’t easy, thank you.

18. The last time a guy sent me a shirtless photo of himself, I threw up in my mouth a little bit. 🙁

19. One of my friends still likes me, but I’m already certain I’ll never be what he wants in a person, so I hold back in flirting and try to keep it on friendly terms.

20. The hardest part about being asexual isn’t telling people or being open about it—it’s fearing they will never understand and/or knowing they’ll never understand.