Numb, exhausted, frustrated, annoyed, aggravated.

I’m still not happy with myself.

I’m tired of all of the political crap. In the end it’s just a popularity contest. I like neither person who is running for office, but I am waiting on my voter card/whatever it’s called so I can vote this year since I missed the registration last year[1. Although this actually isn’t my fault considering the cranky ladies at the DMV just basically told me I didn’t need the registration form and that I’d be fine since it was not the presidential election year. Witch. -.-] – which means I might as well make a list of what each one is for and against and so on and so forth. Already have an idea of who I’ll choose. However, there is a write in option, and I hear Mickey Mouse is often elected in elections under the write in option. …and Santa Claus.

I feel like I always say the wrong thing. Or if I start talking and I want to stop, people just stop what they’re doing and/or try everything for me to keep going – and I keep going only because I’m a people pleaser. And I don’t want to start a commotion. I don’t want them to think wrongly of me.

Friday after church[2. Went Friday night instead of Sunday morning. ‘Twas okay.] I mentioned something about churches caring so much and advertising poverty in other countries and preaching about how we should help them and whatnot. …I said that I don’t feel sorry for them, but that doesn’t even begin to somewhat adequately explain how I feel about it. The USA has poverty, and I understand that churches also help out in their own community, but I dislike it and they lose my respect when they continuously go on about the poverty in other countries.

It’s like those lessons in high school the teacher lectures you on and you have to sit through the entire lecture already knowing everything they’re saying because you heard it before at another school the previous year, yet you still have to sit through it and listen to it even though it sounds like Charlie Brown’s teacher because 1) it’s not college and you cannot walk out and 2) walking out would be rude because you’re just being selfish and feeling bored even though others may need to hear said lesson. …This paragraph is a fine example of how I don’t even know what I meant in it or if it made sense. Probably/most likely a very terrible example, no?

I’ve seen it, though. Abuse, harassment, fraud – I’ve lived around/through that. Maybe not poverty so much as the abuse, but still. And when this mess is brought into church I just feel like a bad person because I neither feel sorry for them nor do I not feel sorry for them. Because I can’t. I can’t because it’ll eat me away until there’s nothing left of me – until I’m just dust in the wind that lost its place on Earth and cannot get back home. I’ve forced myself to feel like this to avoid finding myself even deeper in my depression that I feel like I can never feel numb again.

When they bring it into play, it’s merely a constant reminder that I’m a bad person because I can’t think about it. And I hate that feeling. I hate feeling like a bad person because I cannot emotionally handle feeling sorry for people who have been abused. If I know them, it’s a different story because I don’t have a choice. However, I’m an extremely caring person who even worries about strangers. I’m one of those people on Tumblr who respond to Compassion Alerts[3. This site is really nice if you’re experiencing any suicidal thoughts/urges/depression/etc.] in hopes of maybe helping someone else out and feel better at least during that time – because it actually helps, even if it’s for just a short amount of time.

I should probably figure out how to not feel like a bad person, though.

As if that’ll ever be possible. I mean, you never really can fix a heart.