I filled out my bullet journal for the rest of the year:
Since I view time visually, these monthly spreads — the days of which are colored in as each one passes — are crucial. Next year, I’ll include specific collections and trackers to help me where my neurodiversity fails me, like for selective amnesia (DID).
I stress-baked some Linzer cookies, but left a lot unassembled this time so I could enjoy them like shortbread cookies. The dough is similar to shortbread and tastes different, but I like it for cookies with subtle sweetness to them. 💖 They’re gone now.
To change my name, I will need $2500 to retain an attorney, plus some other fees. I want to get one month ahead of bills first, and then will start putting money aside to build up to $3000. I want to register an LLC and do a lot of things — but I don’t want to do any of it with the burden of my old name, even the hassle of sending forms to even more places for them to update my info.
Since it’s important, I’m choosing to be represented by a lawyer instead of just coached. 🙃 I don’t want my disabilities and neurodivergence to screw anything up. 👀
Also in the process will be a DNA test to add my dad to the birth certificate, since my mother would never show up to court to acknowledge his paternity for me. Ironic, isn’t it, since he spent so many years paying child support and still was never on the birth certificate? 🙄
After my legal name is finalized, I feel like registering a domain for an obituary of my deadname 😂 especially since my abusers continue to use it in association with their own, calling me their daughter, etc., while also making me out to be the delusional one…genuinely confused.
My dad wanted to name me Porsche Alexia, and I really like the name Portia. I’ve considered Portia Jane Lively instead of Jane Elizabeth Lively. I’m on the fence and leaning towards the “safer” option because I have no trauma with Elizabeth.
I considered Portia Jane Elizabeth Lively, but having three names before my last is the pattern of my stepfather’s kids — so I want to avoid it. It also puts me back into the place of correcting people to use a different name, which I don’t want to do for the rest of my life. So I’ll likely go with the name I’ve identified by for years and am professionally known for: Jane Elizabeth Lively.
At this point, I have to keep reminding myself it’s not my legal name yet. 🥲 I hate having to see it every time I login someplace that requires my legal name and doesn’t have space for a preferred name — PayPal, my bank, Instacart, my library card…😩😓 Constant reminders of who I was and who I’m desperately trying to escape being.
Until next time. 💖
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