Box Effect

Since the last time I blogged, I am still extremely frustrated with everything – my life, my family, my job, my health… The list goes on, but I promise not to bore you and continue it. I want to scream. All I need is for someone to understand what I am trying to explain. I don’t need them to tell me they understand and then bring in what they want me to understand. I don’t see things that way, and no matter what I try to do, I still can’t see things in said way. All this does is literally bring me down even more, and I just end up wanting to quit talking about it so I can just go and cry myself to sleep or something.

I mean, it’s like I am in this box. I can’t find anyone who can even begin to process what I am trying to say without them making me feel stupid and/or like it’s ME that is the problem. Why is that so hard? Why can’t I just have what I want for once? I need what I want for once. Just once. I’ve never had that; I lack the knowledge of what it’s like to actually get what I want. I’m not spoiled, but I spoil myself. I try my hardest to give myself what I want, but even that doesn’t make me happy. For once I want what I want without having to somehow have to have control over it and/or it just be noticed.

I’m also so sick and tired of people worrying about me to bits and pieces, because it’s just driving me up the walls! First they get mad because I don’t have friends, but my work hours are so horrendous that it’s quite difficult to actually be able to make friends. I did have the chance to make some friends, but I don’t drink/smoke/do drugs/party/go to clubs/etc., so I kinda turned ’em down. I live above the influence, and that is not just because I’m the oldest child on both my mom’s side and my dad’s side and have four (will be five in August[1. Kim, stepmom, is preggers and due in August. I’m hoping it’s a boy because my dad needs a boy so he can have someone to speak cars with and play cars with.]) siblings – it’s because I want to live better for myself and live as long as I can. However, now that I am old enough to legally drink in the country I am a citizen of, my previous statements don’t include drinking above the influence and on occasion. It’s not like it’s a crime or anything. I just wish people wouldn’t make such a big deal out of it.

And just to let you all know, talking about my feelings/letting things out/telling my problems to others is seriously my weakest things I can do. I’m so horrid at it; I don’t like being a burden to others.

Blah. :L

I changed the picture that appears on my “Bloggess” page… I still dislike it, but it’s more recent (as in TODAY RECENT one week, three days ago recent). I took it in my new pjs with my hair straightened. Yes, I will be changing it later for SURE.