Breathe Me

Be my friend 
Hold me, wrap me up 
Unfold me 
I am small 
I’m needy 
Warm me up 
And breathe me – (Breathe Me)

I don’t really know how to word this in a way that will be meaningful and get my point across in any way. To be honest, I don’t think it’s possible for anything like this to be said. I’m just one person, so I doubt I’m doing anything by blogging about this stuff, tweeting things, and just trying to get better. Things may “get better”, but in the midst of actually trying and hoping for that to happen, life is complete shit. I don’t care what people say – they’re on the outside. It’s easy to say something to someone whose life feels like pure hell when they’re not living it. I’ve attempted writing how I feel, and it just doesn’t work – because words just don’t do justice for this kind of feeling. Actions speak louder than words. It’s true.

I have no words that I know to use to explain this feeling or what I am going through. No word seems strong enough, and no combination of words is strong enough. No example is an adequate one without making it into a competition.

I’m Liza. I don’t know what people want from me or what exactly I’m supposed to do. Life is just… life, you know? It follows you to the end whether you like it or not.

I think, when it comes to this kind of point a person is trying to make, that first person point of view is the strongest. Using third person doesn’t really do justice when you’re trying to explain how it feels to be depressed. It doesn’t feel like it’s relatable; it feels like it’s just something that happened.

If I ever die young, I don’t want to be the last to know. I don’t want my scars to go unspoken; I don’t want my love to go unused; I don’t want my skin to be any more abused; I don’t want my soul to be sold. If I die because of depression, it’s not because I wanted to go – it’s because people treated me like I was a stranger; someone meant to be forever unknown.

But nothing I write seems powerful enough to me.

Look what he’s done to you
It isn’t fair
Your light was bright and new
But he didn’t care
He took the heart of a little girl
And made it grow up too fast – (Broken Girl)

I don’t know how to put the way I’m feeling and what I’m going through into words.

I want to be one of those people who do good and are loved and noticed. I don’t know how to do it, but I don’t want to be invisible or the type of person someone is afraid of knowing or being associated with. I want to have this light and colorful personality. I just don’t want people to be ashamed of me. I wished I could share my love and my heart with the world. I want to be someone who represents good to someone – not the bad. I know what I want to do, but I’ve no idea how to do the things I want to do. I want to be someone who loves and is loved in returned. I don’t want to be forgotten or a person anyone is ashamed of for any reason. But I can’t control the way people perceive me. I can only hope their perception of me is a positive one. I want to people to just care before it’s too late.

If only we could choose how people remembered us.

RIP Amanda Todd. No matter what you’ve done in life, you didn’t deserve that.

People need to start caring before it’s too late. You never know how close to giving up someone may be. I also don’t believe you can truly judge a person who commits suicide, but that’s for another blog post.