Enough

I wrote this because, eh. Feelings happened. I imagine it to have a bit of a Selena Gomez-meets-Maroon 5-and-meshes-with-Taylor Swift kind of melody/beat to it.

Is it good?
Is it good enough
Or do I need to step back and restart?
Is it all wrong, never right?
I know, I know

I can go hard at you with all of my anger
I can try and try to prove my point
But that just creates bad blood
You call me crazy, look at me all shocked,
Asking, “Where did this come from?”

I can write and rant and listen to all the songs
Six:AM, Linkin Park… but it’s still wrong
Then I tear up, trying to fight the anger inside
It’s an attempt to mask the pain
Before it, before it makes a stain

Is it better?
Does it make you happy now?
Am I doing better now?
Or is it still wrong, all wrong,
All wrong and never right?

I can go hard at you with all of my anger
I can try and try to prove my point
But that just creates bad blood
You call me crazy, look at me all shocked,
Asking, “Where did this come from?”

I can write and rant and listen to all the songs
Six:AM, Linkin Park… but it’s still wrong
Then I tear up, trying to fight the anger inside
It’s an attempt to mask the pain
Before it, before it makes a stain

Sometimes, I just
Need a little bit of
Time away, time away
I can function if you let me be
Won’t you let me be?
Why can’t I just be?

I can go hard at you with all of my anger
I can try and try to prove my point
But that just creates bad blood (bad blood)
You call me crazy, look at me all shocked,
Asking, “Where did this come from?”

I can write and rant and listen to all the songs
Six:AM, Linkin Park… but it’s still all wrong
Then I tear up, trying to fight the anger inside
It’s an attempt to mask the pain
Before it, before it makes a stain

Because I can’t, I can’t act on pain

Background

I can’t get mad. I’m not allowed to get mad just to be mad without someone thinking I’m having a meltdown, going mental, or just being disrespectful. I’m not allowed to express how I feel about something that makes me angry without people getting upset with me and talking behind my back.

Though I literally just wrote this thing in ten minutes, it holds a lot of bottled up anger.

I’ve always been judged and had people talking badly about me.

I had an aunt tell Charlise I did things I didn’t do shortly after I posted a piece on autism stigma, which… all the judgment she dished about both indirectly at me and directly to me (Charlise told me about it, thus I confronted her) only literally proved the exact fucking point I was trying to make. I was accused of stalking her daughter/my cousin, who had apparently started taking online classes in Oklahoma, because I supposedly signed up for online classes in Oklahoma… which I did not do. I don’t know where the hell she got that idea, but… I didn’t. Like, I don’t care for university… sorry? PTSD fried my brain; I used to be great at maths, and now I’m not. It’s quite sad, really.

Next, she said I was stalking through her three girls’ (my cousins’) Facebook profiles and liking/sharing everything. I may like something here and there if I find it cute, but I rarely share anything unless I feel it’s absolutely necessary. I actually felt really comfortable with the cousin she accused me of stalking, and whether I really did make that cousin feel uncomfortable, or she was just accusing me of things because I basically came out to the world AND family about my autism in an autism stigma-related post, I… I don’t get close to her anymore.

I keep my distance, because I have my own demons and a darkness inside me from when I lived with my mom and lard, and I had to do things I didn’t feel comfortable doing, and I don’t want anyone to ever have to feel that.

I’m supposed to be okay with these people—family—but I come out as an autistic, and all of a sudden, I’m treated like I am this awful, horrible person.

I don’t know how to recover from anything she said to me.

Everything this aunt pointed out is what I have received from family on my mom’s side, in addition to from strangers on the Internet… because I blog about autism, PTSD, etc.

When this stigma comes from people that are supposed to love me—especially those who said I could come to them if I ever needed to talk—it hurts ten times more. I was bullied a lot by people who barely knew and understood me, and maybe I deserved it a few times because I was being mean and/or just didn’t really know any better yet (or maybe that is the mindset abuse causes in its victims). I am used to people bullying me. I am used to family abusing me. However, when it comes to family who is so ignorant and closed-minded about things because they can’t fathom it themselves, it causes a pain that doesn’t go away easily.

That pain leaves a mark—a stain—and it might not ever wash out. That’s not a grudge—that is a wound that may or may not heal, or if it does heal, it will leave a mark. It’s a stain on my heart that I’m never going to be able to wash out.

I’m supposed to be happy, even if and when I’m not. I’m supposed to do this and do that, even when I feel like shit.

What people don’t seem to understand is that the shit I have been through doesn’t just go away. I can’t just forget the past. I also don’t want to. I want to remember what happened to me, because it is what has inspired me to do so much, like create Hope Fades and Abuse Aloud.

I’m just so fucking sick and tired of people blatantly disrespecting me, talking shit about me, and judging me like I am the epitome of failure—more so when it is literally BECAUSE I AM AUTISTIC.

I know the problem is NOT with my autism, because when I am around people who accept for who I am, I am good. I do well. The people that have problems with me are to blame for those problems and the way I act, in the event that they piss me off/are downright disrespectful.

And I’m sick of it, but if I act out on it, people think I should be locked up in a mental facility—and they fucking treat me like it, too.

“Before it, before it makes a stain” was previously “Because I can’t, I can’t get mad”, as that was the original point, but… I feel like the stain reference does it better justice.