I used to watch this PBS Kids series (apparently it’s actually Disney, but I thought it was PBS Kids. Hm… I thought I always watched it before Zoom[1. When Caroline was on the show. After she left I lost interest because she was the last character from the bunch of ‘original characters’ of the show, and after your original characters leave, the show practically turns horrid/sour.]) titled Out of the Box. It was one of my favorite TV shows when I was a child – mostly because it was all about imagination. But it’s not the childish imagination part that I miss about it most. What I miss most about the series is that it made me feel like being different is what makes you yourself – that people will accept you for yourself, even if you’re a bit weird or a lot weird.

Now I know that it was all a lie. I don’t think I believe in fairy tales or happy endings or that ‘wonderful love’ people can have together. I have never actually seen that happen personally, as in family-wise.

I’m going to see a psychiatrist soon because my aunt suggested it, and my grandmother (Mimi) is backing her up. The place lets you go for free – there’s no appointments or anything, but they do require to have proof of identity. My aunt wants me to simply because if I am having any brain-related issues, then the psychiatrist would likely know what it is that is going on.

But I have a problem with therapists and counselors, so this block in my head is telling me that I’m probably going to have a problem with a psychiatrist, too. Doctors hear that I have TS or might have AS, and then people who don’t understand talk about my blogging and love for websites like it’s a loser/introvert thing. It’s really hurtful. I don’t know how to explain how hurtful it is without just … crying/breaking down into tears. It’s like I don’t stand a chance at explaining myself.

I’m not an introvert, I just lack friends. I lack friends because I’m not materialistic, I lived a sheltered life and because of my sheltered life, I don’t know how to socialize well. I also lack friends because I don’t really wish to bring my work life into my personal life, and I’m currently not attending school this semester – but I’m going to try to get to again this summer.

So because I lack friends, I appear to be an introvert. Also, I’m not “shy” – I’m an extremely observant being, and I’m probably not getting into the conversation also because I couldn’t care less about the topic. -.-

It seems like people have made this ‘normal’ lifestyle that we’re all expected to follow. If something’s a minority or seems a bit off and/or not like an adult’s thing, then it makes you weird.

And because of that I feel like no matter how much I try, I’ll never get to fully explain why I blog and what purpose it has for me – or even how it helps me. So, if that psychiatrist makes me feel any bit of rejection or that (s)he’s assuming crap, that’s it – I’m done.