Last year was a roller coaster full of drama, over-exaggeration, melodramatic discussions, and seldom any straight-to-the-point points. I was really annoyed with allistic people this year, and their a) reading between the lines and b) beating around the bush to say something. 🤦 Instead of holding expectations for what this year will bring, I am expecting nada. It’d be a waste of time to expect anything, because—realistically—I’d just wind up disappointed.
I don’t know what this year holds.
I usually go into the new year knowing where it might take me and having hopes of accomplishing certain things before it ends. I don’t know what this year holds at all, and I’m terrified. I accomplished so little in 2017 of what I needed to as far as adulting goes. My laptop, Fin, dying August 2016 really did a number on my productivity and ability to get done the shit I needed to. I have a new one, sure, but Windows 10 comes with many limitations, I have learned, and every time I think I’m closer to doing x, I hit a wall.
Of course, the blame is not all on technology and outside sources. I am to blame, too. I find myself more humble as I earn wisdom from my experiences and feel foolish when I look back at what I once thought too important not to confront, dismiss, and/or spend money on.
Something I struggled to keep from people throughout 2017 is that I don’t know where I will end up—whether I will get my own place, be able to move in with a family member, or become homeless. Too often, thoughts of how TF to go from $0 to figuring out everything I need to to live in an apartment drowned me, inducing some episodes of depression. I occupied myself with anything and everything that took my mind off of it, though other people would reel me back in and make me think of it. One of the things I struggle most with is too much empathy and feeling, and when I can’t make it stop, I lose myself to the feelings. Depression happens.
I don’t make goals-goals, but I do work toward things. This year, I am going to put more time and effort into making an income so I can perhaps get my own place. I feel under pressure, like there’s a ticking clock until the bomb explodes, but all I can do is take each day as it comes to avoid overwhelm. Keeping this bit about my life hush last year only led to more stress and overwhelm—a breeding ground for depression—so I’m going to try to be more honest about it. Gotta swallow my pride.~
Aside from studying Spanish and relearning code, I have been studying science and trying to learn it. In school, I had a handful of neglectful teachers and only a few good teachers, but the good teachers I didn’t spend much time with. I feel weird about saying stuff, because I was going to keep it all hush, but I may just share it on my blog: I’m interested in science?? It feels really silly. I told Georgie I felt silly and like it’s too late, and that it’d most likely pass—but it hasn’t?! I learned environmental science is a degree—at 26 years old—and my childhood self would cry from joy learning her passion is an actual field of study and a whole career. Nothing is set in stone, ’cause money is still an issue, but knowing it’s a thing has developed in me an interest to learn science, so…I am doing so…via mostly kids’ science shows.
Something I’m pleased with myself from last year for is becoming more aware of how my personality disorder affects me—not the disorder itself, but rather that I am the total sum of my parts. I want to try to be slightly more open about it, too, because there isn’t much info out there about dissociative identity disorder.
I got really upset with my blogging this year—ever since my laptop broke, really. Last year, I mentioned bringing forth style posts and never did; this year, I will work to be better at that. I’m going to try to spend less time talking about what I’m going to do, and put more time and effort into doing those things first. Actions speak louder, after all!
One new post column is definitely coming in February, though. I’m nervous, but the idea behind the column is to a) help me learn and b) start discussions around these topics (and possibly bring awareness to them, if applicable).
Many of my issues with blogging lately has been a lack of confidence, which itself is difficult to explain, but I’ll try to better explain it over time.
A lot happens in my life I cannot share for safety purposes of others involved and/or I feel too uncomfortable sharing at that moment. I like to wait and see how things will play out before jumping to conclusions. The more life experience I have and wisdom gained from it, the wider my lexicon and ability to articulate happenings in my life. The stories I share about it mayn’t always be current, but I’d rather wait until I can better explain it than post about it when I haven’t even the ability to comprehend my own feelings and actions.
I have posts drafted up and scheduled out. Blog-wise, I want to define my passion this year—to share precisely about the things that make me smile, laugh, and enjoy my life. I want to connect with more people who feel the same—or perhaps people who have been here all along, who might not have thought I’m into ____, “too”.
It’s much more fun to show you what raises hills on my skin rather than to tell you all that makes them happen.
I’m going to continue working on my imported posts. My analytics has some hits from Wills Point, which makes me feel nervous, but I imported my old posts to accept what happened, share my story more fully, and to own up to the past. I don’t have any hard feelings for anyone. I think it’s good to be able to see how I’ve grown. I don’t see myself reading the old posts again, but there might be someone who finds my blog and realizes we have a lot in common. Shared wisdom does wonders!
Last year, I learned how to do sponsored posts better so I can stop feeling sleazy, so I’m going to start doing them here…and try to not feel like a tiny drunk person while doing it.
Beyond my blog
I’ve guest posted a few places in the past two years. After sharing my post about being an ally to autistic people on Medium, I noticed increased traffic to my blog. I didn’t used to think posting elsewhere could actually help, as I’ve seen it only help the site I post to/am featured on, mostly, but it seems regularly being out there increases recognition. Regularly contributing to Crunchy Family brings people in to my blog, for example.
Of course, there is the guilt regarding this that follows courtesy of the drama and criticism thrown at me last year, and the assumptions made about my intentions. Fame terrifies me and isn’t what I desire, but the things I feel like I am meant to do in life are on a path that could very well lead to it. It’s like…if it happens, it happens. But if it doesn’t, that’s fine. But regardless of anything, so long as a person doesn’t get too full of themselves, who are we to judge someone who does get there, or may get there?
I didn’t do as much writing this year as I wanted to, but I have gotten a bit of the world building/development part worked out for a book! I put my series on the back burner, because until I can figure out other parts of my life, I cannot really, like, do them. I want to get a bit more life experience before delving into the series.
What I’m currently working on is entitled The Untouchables, and thus far, I’m considering publishing it on Tapas. Tapas removed from their content Terms that they did not require exclusivity from all creators, so unless I enter into a contractual agreement with them, I should be fine if I later publish The Untouchables elsewhere, in other forms. It’s weird for me, putting my writing up for all to see! I want to finish a couple of chapters before I start publishing them online, so I can adhere to a regular schedule.
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I hope you have a great 2018! Adulting is rough but I hope things work out how you need them to. 2017 was a tough year for me too and so far 2018 is showing promise at least compared to last year.