I know I’m not okay.

So I guess I’ll start with what is going on right now.

  • My glasses have dried tear dots on them,
  • I can’t find my lens cleaner,
  • I’m too irritated to be around people,
  • my vehicle insurance and inspection is due,
  • and I used Clean & Clear face wash as body wash accidentally, even though I’m allergic to it and developed an embarrassing thing I hate, was told to buy OTC medication for it and had this horrid burning sensation in a place no woman ever wants a burning feeling to be.

However, that’s not exactly what I have to worry about most right now. I took a quiz on WebMD just for kicks to see what my results might be. I never had to tell what my diagnosis in March was, and yet I apparently gave them that impression, anyway. By the way, these are banana holders.

I’ve come to realization that I really cannot handle any more pain/stress. I just can’t handle it. I’ve tried to handle too much in my life already, and if any more pops up into my life, I’ll just give up altogether/completely. I can’t handle anything, no matter how much I lead people into believing me when I say, “Yeah, I can handle that – no big deal,” I really can’t handle it. People expect too much of me, and it’s even worse when I understand where their coming from yet I know they can’t understand why I can’t “just do it”. They don’t understand. They can’t understand it.

Not being able to drive is literally one of the hardest things about this. They don’t understand. Yes, I get the fact that I need to drive Toto at least once a day. Do you not understand that I cannot function right now? The brain-eye-do coordination is not working right now, and there is no freaking thing I can do about it. I can’t do anything about sleeping all day or being up all night or sleeping all night and being up for only four or five hours in one day. I can’t control it. It’s not about what I eat or do or think. There’s something bigger that is causing this. It’s not me doing this to myself, because if it was, it would be a choice. If this were a choice, my choosing to attempt being happy would have worked.

I can no longer afford to simply sigh/take a deep breath and try to not stress so much. That’s giving me the same reaction as pretending all is well did.

By the way, if you’re interested in seeing IP addresses guilty of trying to hack me, view my list.

Edit: I was just venting… updating people on my life… [view image]

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I was an “upper-class counselor” at my school for a while and have some training for working with these sorts of things. We were told (and I have experienced a bit of such) that when you’re depressed, that you just keep on getting more and more depressed when you’re left alone. I have no idea why that is true, but it’s what happens. So if we know that one of our friends is a bit depressed, we will forcibly haul them out to get ice cream, or do something else that’s happy. And if I were your local friend, I’d do the same for you. Even though it looks like there aren’t very many sympathetic people around you, I am still absolutely sure that you can conquer your MDD. You lived through a decade of abuse and are still alive – that makes you strong. I know that one day, you will conquer the difficulties that you have now.

We’re all here with you. Know that you can always rant on your blog when you have to, and we’ll hold your hand and lead you out.

I can’t say I know exactly what you are going through, since I am not you, but I have been diagnosed with Clinical Depression since 7th grade, Bipolar Disorder since 10th, and Anxiety Disorder this summer. I also have Seasonal Affective Disorder (which is very common for people with depression- the sun… the sun!!!) Along with Idiosyncratic Hypersomnolence (sleep disorder), which probably contributed to me being sleepy all the time, especially when I was in my lows/depression.
That coupled with Seizure Disorder and Arteriovenous Malformations in my brain (which made me VERY ill), has made me become hopeless, depressed, exhausted about life, and broke my will to fight many times. Especially when I had to make the decision to drop critical classes last fall because I was having too many seizures from the stress and fatigue- it was almost a decision between whether I was going to live or go to college for an extra year. And I had to pick going to college for an extra year, which was difficult for me.

And now, as I am in the process of recovering from invasive brain surgery, I am loaded down with work from college, work, teaching, people who don’t bother to understand, people who judge for my inabilities to do certain things, people who are convinced that I am just lazy, etc.

My anxiety disorder, executive function disorder, sleep disorder, and physical problems (still recovering from surgery that made me unable to move my body for a little while) makes it very difficult for me to function “normally,” even though I look completely “normal” in most cases. Just unable to do this thing or that, but to the extent of looking lazy or unmotivated. It’s funny how people are so much more understanding and concerned when I limp around with severe bruising on my foot because I twisted it very badly than me not being able to exert myself as much as “normal” people because of my disorders and brain surgery.
The scarring in my brain from the surgery has left me with some severe mood disorder with extremely rapid cycles, so I am trying to learn from step one how to regulate my emotions… Like a very young toddler. I’d be laughing one moment, crying another, then laughing again only half an hour later. And when I get depressed, I get really really low, contemplating why I bother living.

But I try to keep in mind everyone who has helped me, who continue to help me, how incredibly blessed I was in terms of resources, location, etc., and how, had the circumstances been just a little different, I might not even be alive. I’ve kind of been neglecting it, but I started keeping a small blog a little while before I had my surgery because I was feeling so alone despite support I had around me (at https://OneMoreTi.me). And just writing my fears, my feelings, my thoughts, my depression, etc. helped me a lot, and helped me keep a record of what was going on.

I’ve been tired. Very very tired, for years. Tired of everything, so close to ending it all. But right now, I’m fighting back, little by little, through the rapid emotional cycles that cause very deep plunges for very small things. And I hope you’ll continue to fight back, or at least drift through life for a bit until you can feel yourself collecting together. If you ever want to just vent or rant (I’m really bad about talking about my feelings in person too- so I rant online), I’m always around. I don’t know you, and you don’t know me, but sometimes, someone completely random is just what you need to vent to, since they don’t have anything to judge you off except what you say, and don’t have “background information.”

You seem to have a lot of prematurely judgmental people around you, who aren’t bothering to take the time to try to understand what you are going through, becoming a toxin in your life. I hope you can find someone who can be a support for you close by, and someone you can confide to about the negative feelings. I haven’t really found a person yet, so I turn to the internet, but some day, I hope I’ll be able to talk to someone (that I’m not paying for) about my depression.

Perhaps talking to somebody close to you or somebody who is able to help to improve the situation? I know in some cases there are nobody except ourselves who can help. But sharing and listening to others is also a good way to feel relieved and to get some good advises?

I don’t do talking to people much. It doesn’t really work for me. Thanks for the suggestion, though.

I just needed to vent.

No, you can control it. No, its not a choice. No one should expect that you are this way by choice. If it was a choice, you would be happy, relaxed. You wouldn’t be stressed to the point of exhaustion or pain. Sadly though, I a lot of people don’t understand this. They just say “get over it”. You can’t just get over it though. its just not that easy.

You say you can’t handle it, but you can. Don’t take all of the pressure of the stress on your own. I’m here holding it with you. We can do it together. You’re so strong, Liz. You gotta see that. You’ve been through so much. Its easy to just break down, I know, but you can’t. Just like you won’t let me do such a thing. We’re in this together, helping each other however we can.

Even when the world seems to be falling down around you ad the heavy load on you seems to be the weight of the entire world. You can life it. We can. No one said it would be easy, but its a hell of lot harder trying to do it all on your own. You’re not all on your own any more. I promise to be there for you and help you in every way I can.

So lets keep holding up the weight. Don’t give up on me yet. You’ve got the greatest future awaiting. Don’t let all of the pain and hurt and stress take that away from you.

Strength means knowing when you can’t be strong. Right now, its so hard for you to be strong. *hugs*

I know I could tell you that it gets easier, but the reality is that this could take years. And when it hurts like it does right now, who really cares when it’ll get better? You want the pain to stop now. You don’t want to wait until tomorrow. It just hurts so much. Its eating away at you inside. I know. But you know what, you ARE strong enough to make it through this. You ARE strong. You CAN handle it. I know you can. And I’m always here to help you. To help hold the weight when you can’t. I’m always going to be by your side, Liz. I promise. So don’t give up yet. You don’t have to deal with all of this by yourself any more. I’m not going anywhere.

I know I can’t just flip a switch and make it all better. No one can. But I want to be here and help you in every single way that I can. But you gotta hang on with me. Hang on to life FOR YOURSELF. For YOUR future. For YOUR happiness. For YOUR freedom from the pain. Find YOUR REASON to hold on. What’s most important to you? Hold on to that and hold onto your life for that. Don’t give up when you’ve made it so far. *hugs*

I don’t think you have to improve on a schedule that is convenient for others. I know you said that you understand where they’re coming from, but they aren’t the ones who went through what you did.

I LOL’d at those banana holders.

The sleeping bit’s just a part of depression. 🙁