Some weren’t directly mentioned here. Some were done out of stubbornness, because hateful people called me out on things and I preferred to deny truths instead of calling out their ableism.
1. Lie: I don’t want to be famous.
Truth: I want myself + I want to do things that might make “fame” inevitable.
I don’t. I don’t care about fame. I do want to be heard, loud and clear. I do want my story to be known.
I want to be a traditionally published author, develop web series (and perhaps even a show for Netflix!), and make waves. If I stay in Texas, I am keen to create a company that will bring and make accessible innovation and creative skills to a small town whose internet is mostly crappy. That company and its values would stir up a lot of people, but it would also help a lot of people.
By default, most everything I do in my business will serve as an act of rebellion against the status quo.
Being known terrifies me, though, because a lot of shit from my past could easily be drug up. I did a lot of things I’m not proud of, under the influence of abuse and not knowing the difference between one situation and another (because autistic brain).
2. Lie: I don’t care about blog traffic.
Truth: Growing a blog is my special interest.
I am OBSESSED with the numbers. I am amazing when working with other people’s blogs, because my autistic self is soooo great at mirroring other people. It’s literally a trait of autistic women??
This blog hit 3.9k sessions/month before the summer slump, which was both AMAZING and frightening.
Contrary to a lot of the posts here, I do be blogging for traffic in addition to blogging for myself. My most popular post, DID alter roles, might surprise you?? It continues to surprise me! But a lot of systems have linked to my post on their bio link/card/etc. pages. I continue to update it, which only increases its traffic.
3. Lie: I hadn’t self-harmed recently.
Truth: I had, indeed, self-harmed (back then).
I broke my 3-year record and began cutting again when I lived in Greenville. I hated it. It angers me beyond repair when people tell me that I didn’t like living in Greenville, but at least I was happy overall. What the fuck does that even mean?!
Mostly, what angers me is people saying things about me that they think to be true based off their perceptions of the me I let them see, but the moment I tell them precisely what it was like for me? They can’t handle it.
As if I couldn’t possibly be pretending to be happy based off what they wanted me to be, because I didn’t grow up learning how to be a people pleaser and overcompensating for lack of parental emotional regulation…
It’s also masking.
4. Lie: I don’t care if I make money blogging.
Truth: Making money with a blog has ALWAYS been the goal for me.
At the ripe age of 10, I knew blogging would be most viable career for me. Blogging has been a special interest ever since then. However, every MySpace resource site owner had figured out a way to earn an income from their content while I wasn’t even allowed to have a MySpace account my mom and stepfather didn’t have access to (because Lord forbid I was contacting my father without their permission).
I remember receiving my first check from using Google Ads ($143.71), but not being able to cash it anywhere. Even though I was 18, I knew that money would be taken away if I asked my mom for help cashing it. It wouldn’t be the first time that had happened. The money was exciting, but the check provided me with validation that I could get paid to do my special interest that I loved so much.
Although I still don’t know what my future looks like, I do know this is the goal for me. Back then, the role was called “resource site owner”. Nowadays, those people are called “content creators” or “influencers”. Neither of those entirely fit me, but I know that I want to be a combination of both.
I’ve always wanted to be a combo of both. It took years before the terminology existed, but it finally does.
As an autistic person, DID system and just someone who struggles with major depressive disorder, I go through phases where I struggle to function. My body is physically exhausted and incapable of going through the motions, even if that’s just what you have to do to survive.
I thrive outside of employment, when I’m not stressing over bills.
Most of all, I just want to be myself. I can’t “just do” something, like non-autistic people seem more than capable of. I can’t “just push through” or whatever. Everyone in my family tells me I’m so resilient because of everything I faced as a child. Because my trauma made me stronger.
I was a child. I needed to feel safe, loved and accepted — not be traumatized. Survival mode is a trauma response mistaken for strength, resilience, etc. — when even the hard shell of an M&M is fragile.
So I’m creating a future for myself, and I don’t know what that looks like. And it’s terrifying, and every day I feel like I’m going to just crash and burn. But it’s what I’m doing, because I have to — for me, and for all the other autistic people out there who don’t see themselves in these spaces without feeling like they, too, must pay to play.
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