My mental reality

You know, I guess that sometimes some things maybe/sort of have their perks. I have these really bad and big bags under my eyes. I keep having nightmares, and said nightmares are really getting on my nerves. I’ve had some flashbacks in my sleep (nightmares) as well, and they don’t do well with me and/or at all. It’s a painful feeling to have when you know you slept enough the previous night yet you didn’t actually sleep well (because you really couldn’t help it), and that you are now suffering the consequences of it. I haven’t been able to sleep much lately. To be honest, I’m kind of tired of sleeping because all I do is wake up exhausted – and sometimes out of breath – from all that I experienced mentally that night.

Basically I was researching for some kind of explanation of why/how I feel dissociated from myself sometimes (okay, so many times), and how others possibly explain it. Apparently this is an actual disorder, and I found this extremely interesting because I also found a few other articles afterward that had some useful information to me. If you’ve ever experienced any mental disorder/illness/etc., then you know it’s quite a lovely feeling to have when you come across an article that starts off with you not being crazy (because that’s how it truly feels, no?), leading you to an article that explains how said illness/disorder affects your brain (even though the picture of the doctor looks WAY too young to be a doctor, it still explains it), then you find the links to other articles like Dissociative Disorders and PTSD and PTSD and Sleep Problems.

But none of this changes or helps the fact that I have bags under my eyes – which I realized earlier when I looked into the mirror and noticed my eyes looked weird. It’s not anything I can really help; it just… It happens when I get stressed, frustrated, etc. It’s a number of things. And then there’s the headache, the scenes playing back and forth in my head and the frustration that builds up because I can’t get it to disappear. It doesn’t seem to want to, and I can’t figure it out no matter how hard I try.

It didn’t have to be like this. Maybe if certain people read this they’ll realize what exactly they’ve done to me. I wouldn’t have these problems and mental disorders if they had done things differently. Of course they will though, in time.

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Comments on this post

The chapter on dissociative disorders in the psychological disorder textbook was really really weird – like something that belonged in a thriller film. (Of course, to someone without any psychological ailment, many chapters seem weird, but I guess that’s why they’re “disorders”.) Did you know that multiple-personality disorder actually exists?

If you don’t like the bags under your eyes, might be worth covering them with makeup for now. Even if you aren’t exactly what you want to be, it shouldn’t hurt to look the way you want yourself to look like, no?

Yep, I know about multiple-personality disorder. I’ve even asked if there’s a way I could get tested for that or Borderline Personality Disorder, BPD — BPD being the one that I may have (maybe, if they would come back positive). …because I was just looking for something to explain the whole zombie mode/feeling/etc., because I kept thinking (and hoping) that if they had an idea of what it was/if there was a name, it would mean that it happens/has happened to others, too. That was what was on my mindset at the time, and they said they can’t test for it directly. But meh.

/: I’m allergic to makeup, and I definitely can’t put anything around my eyes. 🙁