Someone needs to tame her.

Maybe they wanna tame me. The way I type and write and talk, the way I eat and sleep and walk – it’s not like them; I don’t blame them for wanting to tame me so I can be more like them. I’m probably supposed to be more “grounded”, but if I don’t go out and have sex with a different guy every night, drink ’til I’m drunk every night and/or do drugs as much as I can every night, how much more grounded can I get?

I have low self-esteem and confidence in myself right now. If you’ve been following my blogs, then you know this. I don’t like it, but I also cannot help it. Apparently having low self-esteem is a maturity thing according to one commentator a guest post on a Xanga-related network blog, so “when she matures, she’ll have more self-esteem and believe she’s pretty and will be a better girlfriend.” …How does self-esteem have to do with maturity?

Like politics, there are at least two sides that have different ideas. When I surfed my question from the previous paragraph on Google, I was given different answers – one side being that it does and the other side being that it doesn’t. Personally I don’t think it does; I don’t really think it all depends on emotional maturity, because I’ve realized most things usually have more than one variable in the picture that could possibly be causing ___ – just like being depressed is more than ‘just being sad’ as most people define it. When they define it like that it’s just not fair.

I mean, this guy had listed out her reasons (because she apparently told him) and such, and they seemed legitimate to me. However, that’s just my opinion. Most of the people that commented were/are practically peoples who go out and party all of the time and have guys all the time – different guys – and so on and so forth. …I have no idea how they’re able to throw themselves at guys and the guys follow. Then again, maybe it’s not the kind of guy I’m interested in/looking for?

Anyway, back to the taming thing. My birth certificate is at Mimi’s house, along with some other stuff I didn’t bring with me (because it’s kind of a lot, but not too much, but still…). Apparently when she could have went to the house to get my birth certificate (I need it for insurance purposes), she didn’t because she didn’t feel like it/”it would be easier to just get another one”. Now she apparently has it at her new house because she picked it up yesterday, but I don’t know if she’ll mail it or not. I mean, I have a deadline, you know? And I would have grabbed it before I moved out but I completely forgot because it wasn’t on my mind because I was in pain and packing and getting ready and just… I remember the days all of this was planned out. I was supposed to leave during the day for eight hours until I found a job, Tommy was there, and Todd followed me around as I walked and talked on my cell instead. I was talking to Charan, and I was out at the barn (far enough away from the house) just talking and sitting on the trailer and petting the horses and playing with Todd and…

I text messaged Bebe asking if someone could possibly mail it to me soon – like ASAP, as in before the deadline date. It’s a priority, and a huge one. I need to be able to get on my dad’s insurance. End of story.

In another news, tomorrow’s my cousin’s birthday party. I don’t know if I’ll be going swimming or not, but I’ll go prepared. I need to shave my legs. Ugh. I lack a swimsuit as well, so I’ll put something together. I need to at least get a swim top though so in the future (my aunt has a pool) I won’t have to swim in my sports bra (long story short it’s the only bra I can tolerate wearing right now because of my chest pains). I’m going prepared because if Ruby happens to ask me (that little sweetheart of a child), how could I possibly say no to an adorable toddler? I mean, this is the same girl who said to me:

  • “Are you tired?”
  • “Are you thirsty?”

…It’s the way she said it. She’s very intelligent and just… adorable, okay? She also kept saying, “Stop that baby carrying with the baby!”[1. Kim, my stepmother/her mother, is pregnant with our unborn baby boy whose name is secret. If you have any idea as to what it might be, please contact ME or Kathy (Kim’s mom) ASAP because we’d love to know. Fortunately it is NOT a car name (my dad supposedly tried to name me Portia Alexis).] the night I babysat her here at Grandmama’s house. I have made her cry once, but unintentionally – with a Barney song. “I like Barney, too! I love you, you love me…” and I finished it when she said “You’re supposed to sing it!” …and she started crying. 🙁 It was adorable, though. P: It was also her first night away from home. 😛 …and she’s only 3 years old!

But yeah, last time I went swimming I was in a lot of pain for a bit. 🙁 Also, I have church Sunday. WHY do I always have a lot to do on Saturdays??!!

~almost 1000 words today. WOW. Sorry for such a long read, but I get really proud of myself because I don’t watch the word count when I’m typing out a blog. xD

Thin crust pepperoni pizza is for dinner tonight. Yay!

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Comments on this post

You know, there isn’t really a clear definition of maturity out there, is there? I always thought that maturity meant being able to make good decisions. I think that self-confidence does help a person make good decisions from time to time. But depression obliterates a person’s self-confidence, and you’re probably a lot more mature than you think you are.

I am not one to want to go out and party all the time either. I don’t understand that lifestyle, and I think that most people agree that it’s certainly not for everyone! However, most people stop that lifestyle sooner or later. And you certainly don’t need to be tamed. Are the people who go out and party all the time tame? (Nope!) Are they asked to be tamed all the time? (I haven’t a clue.) But I think that you threaten what an uneducated person might think, and that people are possibly even a bit afraid of you.

I definitely don’t think self-esteem has to do with maturity. However you tend to see things differently when you get older and care less about what other people think. But that also depends on what happens in life, what support you have around you, if you sort of have “space” to stop caring about what people think. I think self-esteem is much about decisions, to decide how you look at yourself and who you want to be.

Sometimes you just need to expolore the things you’re aiming for. Everything will turn out OK eventually. 😉